Friday, October 7, 2011
Jonnsey
Jonsey the bomb diffuser was on his vacation in the underwater city of blastoise so he decides to go to a fancy restaurant but instead he had to sit next to this annoying child named teddy the turtle thus ruining his vacation. Mr. octopus the server noticed that teddy the turtles teddy bear was ticking and getting faster frequently so he stole it and ripped it open only to find a bomb so Jonsey had to quickly defuse the bomb he was sweating trying to find the correct wires 3, 2, 1.......... citizens were staring in fear waiting for their death
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Suspense! I am wondering if everyone well end up getting blown out of the water. This has a very good close to the hook, because it leaves the reader wondering what will happen next. Introducing three characters in one paragraph, however, can sometimes cause confusion. In future stories, you might consider allowing each character a paragraph of his own to be introduced.
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